Sunday- April 2, 2000

Here’s the first little journal type thing! Aren’t you excited? Err. It’s ok. I’m not either. Anyway... what to write about.... today wasn’t all that interesting a day... i went to the art store... i got lots of good stuff and i have to draw something for my mom. Supercool... anyway.. i’m writing anyway too much. Yeap. Hahaha west side story music on tv. How strange.

Well.. today was a good musical day. I sat in my room.. played some guitar.. sang with it... played my bells a little... and i messed with some of my clothes.. chopping stuff apart.. adding eyelets to plain looking shirts... listened to music the whole time. Stabbing Westward and... a little bit of Garbage. Shirley’s sexy. I wish i could sound like that.. or look like that too.

I’m in another low self esteem state again by the way. Bleh to that. Does that happen to everyone? I dunno. It sucks.. i look in the mirror.. and think i look awful. I think about how i act.. what i do... i could do better. I think that’s my problem. I could always do something different, be better. This is pretty yucky and mopey sounding now.. so i guess i’ll talk about something else.

So anyway... there’s a pretty good chance that i’ll take my GED and go to college next year. Makes sense and all anyway. I can focus on art and music and computers that way anyway. Yay. That should mean more fun for the site and band. Yaaaay. The only thing that sucks about this plan is missing marching band. I know. I’m a nerd... but i’m sposed to be the pit captain next year.. and the music was gonna be written with a sex mallet part just for me... sigh. I’ll take percussion in college. Hehhe. Yikes.

Anyway.. i think i’m typing too much. But i’m gonna keep goin anyway i guess. Yea. So my social life consists of hanging out with my band and internet people. Fun stuff huh? Oh. That and concerts/shows. I need to update that... anyway. I just saw Incubus on Thursday. It was supercool... but people bother me. Yeap yeap. It was fun though... saw i guy i met at SnoCore.... it was weird. I didn’t see him again that night though. It was so random... and i didn’t end up seeing someone that i thought was going to be there. Ironic, huh? Irony rules. Supercool stuff. But anyway... all i do is hang out with Chrischick. It’s actually a depressing thing to hang out with her too much... but that’s life i guess. Nobody’s perfect... except Mai-Khanh. (that’s my sister btw. She’s perfect, i live with her. I know. Don’t even try to tell me otherwise.)

I miss Scott. My scott... not guitarscott. I saw guitarscott yesterday. Chris made fun of the me/scott situation yesterday. And the day before. And countless other times. It hurts. I admit it. Just not to her. I don’t know why. Maybe i have some weird machocomplexproblemthing.... but i don’t like showing pain. I only say this here because i don’t expect her to read this... maybe she’ll never know. That’ll be weird... but pain’s a part of life. Maybe she’s helping me live. I was always ok about the whole thing with scott... i’m madly in love with him... he loves me... i know we haven’t met but it’s enough for me to be happy. I wish she’d understand... no matter how pathetic she says this all is... i can’t much change my mind and stop it. I can’t just stop loving him... i have tried before, but that’s another awful story i’m not going to tell. It just makes me feel lonely. He’s not here with me. He won’t be for a long time. I don’t have anyone to be with here either. Sometimes i just wish she’d shut up. It’s all an awful feeling... i want scott and no one else. I don’t even know if he feels that way about me. I don’t know if i COULD be with someone else if i had the chance to... i don’t have to worry about that, though. No one around here wants to be with me anyway.

Anyway.. i guess i’ve bitched long enough. There’s always more to tell... but there isn’t always that much time or patience. I’m done for now.