Saturday- December 30, 2000
well... friday night i went to matt's house.. few hours before jen got home.
i'm too used to calling her jen! must.. adjust... ack! but we cleaned up the
living room and then went of to Q's place for some pool with friends, and then
back to the house to hang out. fun stuff. i've been better lately.. i can sleep
earlier, but as the clock nears 4 am and i still do not feel tired, i worry. i have
started eating again though, and haven't had an anxiety attack in a day or so.
we've cleared out the garage here so i can have more space for my music stuff, and
now my room is all clean and empty looking. i also dyed jim and dan's hair. great fun,
N'rage or whatever that was... didn't work too well. maybe it was just that color.
but i gotta see heidi and her boy, so that was good, and they're so adorable! and...
hopefully scott will be here for two weeks now.. i'm gonna pay for his ticket coz
i'm just... insane. and i have to meet him, dammit. but uh... yea. i'd better not get
used to having money. =} at least i know who my friends are. at least, i think i do.
that helped a lot. so now i say i love my friends, because i know who they are.
Wednesday- December 27, 2000
so my period started last night... pretty damn cool. i had some time to
play my guitars and sing and all, and i felt a lot better. maybe i should
spend some time away from people and with music and html and stuff... but
my parents already complain about me being on the compy too much. there's
no winning that one... but maybe the music. focus on some drumming stuff...
figure out what the hell is going on in my life, pray that it was just PMS.
which i think would be really fucking cool coz i never got that stuff before,
and it'd explain why i'd been so out of it lately. maybe it's a bad reaction
to those pills. i dunno what it was, but i've been weird lately. much more
moody and angry than usual. oh well. i'm coolin down, i'm calming down etc.
but the cool thing is that i really truly have a self esteem. i'm sooo rock star
now. almost. just let me get recording equipment and finish up songs and all
that crap. and uh.. gigs and fame too. but dammit, i'll get there!
I HATE PEOPLE. well.. no i hate CHICKS. and stupid people. and dammit. does
nothing improve with time but wine?
Sunday- December 24, 2000
and now i remember why the hell i started turning anti-social and asexual
and anything to separate myself from people. it all fucks up in the end.
but why is it that i always seem to lose friends in pairs now? it's all
downhill this year so far. i wish it was based on years, then maybe next
year would be hugely awesome to make up for this years crap. so the worst
thing is, that i'll probly never hang out with the nonmundane group again.
they were basically my only local friends, and so far, none of the people
closest to me have said a word to get me to come back. i guess it was meant
to be. i lose a couple of friends, and in the process end up losing them all.
but i didn't mean for that. i just wanted a new friend... for everyone to be
happy. but for anyone who claims that i cannot be easily replaced, i say this:
FUCK OFF. it's happened. the plan was that i'd keep being friends with her
and we'd still talk online, but i don't know. the things goin on lately have
really struck a nerve with me. i know she didn't mean to hurt me now, but the wounds
are there, and unluckily, i can't keep ignoring them and trying to move on.
it took years to stop being paranoid about friends betraying me like that, and somehow in
a single 24 hour period, it all came back. i don't know what i'll do when i
get back to orange. hopefully this whole mess will be solved, but it does look
like leaving the group is permanent after all. i can't see the old elmo crowd.
they never have time or anything. i don't have much of an alternate group of
local friends, but maybe i'll call some old buddies just to see how they're doing.
maybe i'll turn to the internet once again, because life out here in the real world...
it sucks.
Friday- December 22, 2000
so i'm pissed as hell... i'm really fucking sick of friends betraying
me and treating me like shit. i really can't tell personalities apart
at ALL. anyway. fuck it all. i'm pissed at the world. i'm pissed at the lack
of love there is for the poor lil shiney dragon. hah. i love matt.
so we didn't leave to see the relatives tonight. we left late and it was really
damned foggy. today managed to suck a whole lot, almost as much as yesterday.
at least a couple of friends gave a damn that i'm leaving the group. and least
someone said a single goddamn nice thing to me. anyway, i went to Spencers gifts today
to get my ears pierced. second hole in each lobe now. 8 earrings in total. i might
use a diff set of earrings in the new holes though. all that was left was gold studs and
i don't like the look of gold on me.
so right now i'm really confused... i don't know what i think of friends or who is
actually a friend or not... a lot of people are just full of shit. i think i'm full of shit.
this is a bad time indeed.
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